How to talk about problems with your partner?
If you have been noticing for some time that you are no longer the same with your partner as before and you also consider that there are certain problems that you have not yet been able to solve with her, the first thing you should do is communicate it to her. But what is the best way? For more visit bigmatrimonial.
- Why is communication so difficult as a couple?
- Five keys to facing a conversation as a couple
Why is communication so difficult as a couple?
It is true, unfortunately, that there are many couples that are not characterized precisely by having too much dialogue and communication, and we must try to change that from the beginning. In fact, many of them, when they send a certain message to their partners, do not do it properly. A big mistake because when a certain message is sent, and more so in problematic situations as a couple, the way in which we send the message is much more important than the content itself.
Being able to correctly communicate what we want to say is not an easy task, we have to tune in with words, gestures, emotions, and also our attitudes. In fact, when we address our partner, it may even be too complicated for us to do so. However, it is essential. Communication is, among many other things, essential in any relationship and even more so in the relationship of a couple. Luckily, communication skills can be improved too, in turn, improve relationships as well.
Although if something has been studied for decades, it is, without a doubt, communication. In fact, we could say that currently all of us are very clear that good communication skills are fundamental in practically all sections of our lives. And, we could say that perhaps one of the most important is that of the sentimental partner that we have by our side. Also, let’s remember that presenting a problem to the couple, but in a positive way, can help enormously to overcome conflicts and also to learn from them.
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Communication as a couple is key to the well-being of a relationship. With her, nothing is taken for granted, but any topic is communicated and shared with the other. Communication as a couple means, therefore, talking, asking, answering, listening, negotiating, and countless other things! And, to do it in the best possible way, in addition to maintaining a healthy and adequate relationship, is to be an assertive person. Assertiveness is a characteristic of the way of being of people that allows them to express emotions freely, without getting upset and always defending their own rights, tastes and interests directly, but without attacking other people or allowing them to attack us.
Assertiveness is, therefore, a social skill that allows us to express our rights, opinions, and needs clearly and sincerely, but without hurting anyone, and being assertive means that you have a healthy relationship with yourself, but also with all those people that surround you because an assertive person has a natural balance that will allow you to socialize in a fluid and healthy way, without passivity, but without aggressiveness. Also, the good thing about assertiveness is that you feel more sure of yourself and self-esteem ends up making a big hole in it.
Another good thing about assertiveness for Raquel López, a psychologist in Madrid, is that “constructive criticism can be made using the sandwich technique ”. A technique that she herself explains on her Instagram consists of first saying something good, then criticism, and ending with a positive proposal. So that we understand it better, he gives us an example: “If your partner turns the television up very high at night and you need to sleep, instead of directly telling him to turn off the television, you can opt for a phrase of this type (assertive style): “I know you work a lot and want to relax, but if you put the TV on so loud I can’t sleep, can you put on headphones from now on?”
Luckily, in addition, all people can use assertiveness to improve their relationships with the people around them and themselves because assertiveness is a skill that can be learned and modified. And, in fact, the assertive style is probably “at the top of communication”. Let us remember that when communication is assertive it means that our own interests and our points of view and those of our partner are equally important, always learning from the other person.
For the couples therapist and sexual coach, Nuria Jorba, the problem of communication in couples often comes from a lack of assertiveness. She herself assures that to be able to create this bond of sincerity and commitment “assertiveness is an essential condition”. However, she makes it clear that since we are not because we have not been taught as children or as adults, it is complicated. “All this causes, therefore, that we inhibit ourselves and accumulate until we explode, or else, we attack entering into competition with our partner”.
And because? “Because what really scares us about speaking out is the consequences that what we say will have. The problem is how the other is going to react and what is going to happen”. Therefore, as she herself assures, facing problems through communication is in ourselves and the dynamics that we have created from the beginning of the relationship. And, to achieve it in the most appropriate way, the social skills and emotional intelligence that have been developed until the moment of starting a relationship will have a key role in its development.
Five keys to facing a conversation as a couple
- Find a good time and place to talk
A place where you feel comfortable, where you know that there will be no distractions, and, above all, that it is a place that transmits harmony to you. This will make it much easier to start any conversation, and also ensure, of course, that neither you nor your partner is in a bad mood due to some problem unrelated to the relationship. It should be a quiet time for both of you.
- Speak without fear and firmly believe that speaking well will solve the situation and the couple will be better
It does not consist of preparing someone or issuing the typical “We have to talk”, but simply transmitting the message in the best possible way to solve a certain problem and speak openly, losing fear, and always communicating your most sincere feelings.
- Always speak from the ‘me’ and express your needs, but without blaming the partner
Avoid the complaints you have saved (DON’T MAKE A BALL!) and approach problems from a mature point of view where you don’t carry the weight of everything on your partner. In this relationship, you are two and you both have feelings, needs, and opinions. The best thing you can do is say it when it happens and not wait and wait because the consequence will be worse and greater.
- Empathize with the couple, want to reach an agreement, and, above all, be clear that the problem has a solution
If you want to pose a problem in a positive way, you cannot miss the moment when you suggest a solution. In addition, communicating a certain problem to your partner, but without providing a solution, is not going to lead you anywhere. Of course, keep in mind that when it comes to providing it, it should not become an imposition but simply a suggestion.
- And, finally, transform complaints into wishes
Behind every complaint hides a wish and, therefore, transforming the complaint into a wish is a good way to reduce problems. But it is not easy, in fact, it takes practice to achieve this. The first step to achieve this is to put aside all the unpleasant emotions that any complaint generates in us and think about what you want to order.